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Of all the transformative and juicy books I keep on my shelf, this is one of my favorites. This enthralling manifesto to personal freedom is really worth taking a look at. As a therapist, I love to recommend this book, because its message applies to everyone.
Richo’s premise is that there are 5 things that impact every life, no matter who you are. He calls these 5 things “The Givens of Life”. They are:
Everything changes and ends
Things do not always go according to plan
Life is not always fair
Pain is a part of life
People are not loving and loyal all the time
Richo explains that in his 30 years as a psychotherapist, it was these 5 things that his clients struggled with again and again. He proposes that it is not the 5 unavoidable givens that are the real source of our suffering. Instead says Richo, it is our own fear of and struggle against the givens that really causes suffering. Richo goes so far as to suggest that the givens actually teach courage, compassion and wisdom, and that happiness can be found by embracing them.
This book includes a chapter on each of the givens, drawing a more specific picture of how they show up in our lives. Richo shows that learning to say an “unconditional yes” to life in spite of the givens can open up channels for grace and unexpected beauty to occur. And thankfully, he devotes a good deal of the book to offering strategies for learning to say the full “yes!” to life.
As I write this review, I am stumped about what to highlight; every chapter is a gem. I have underlined passages heavily on almost every page. It’s a book I want to read over and over. However, since you’re here, I’ll give you one example of something I found useful in the book. It’s about calling. Says Richo,
“Our universal calling as humans is to be the most loving people we can be. This commitment makes us less likely to be at the mercy of others’ reactions to us or opinions of us. We appreciate acceptance but do not crave or cling to it. We are hurt by rejection but not devastated by it. Our focus is on how we love, not on how we are loved, on how we can give, not on what we can get…. Our calling is also about other capacities, gifts that are givens of who we are… Each of us is here to discover and share marvelously unique inner gifts. That is what the world is waiting for and why we were given a lifetime. Our appreciation of our gifts is itself the antidote to the self-loathing and self-diminution that we sometimes suffer.”
The secret within these pages is that we don’t have to get stuck when bad things happen. We have the capacity to choose love over fear. When we choose love in the face of disaster, something amazing happens. All of a sudden, we open ourselves to the incredible opportunity of being human- to the other equally true givens. Richo names some of them:
Irrepressible playfulness and sense of humor
Our ability to go on loving no matter how we are treated by others and no matter what happened to us in the past
Our capacity to forgive and let go
Our unflappable hope
Our skill at finding order in chaos and meaning in disaster
Our intuition, which reveals more than we logically know
Our tendency to be honest even when no one is looking
Our striving for what lies beyond our grasp, our inclination to stretch ourselves
Our power to say, do, or be something that leads to healing ourselves and others
If you read this book or connect with these ideas, I’d love to hear what you think about them! Credit for the ideas in this post go to David Richo, PhD. Here is a link to his website, where you can download some amazing resources for living more deeply into these practices. And, if you want to buy the book, here is a link to where it can be purchased.
We all have stories to tell. Some of them we tell proudly to anyone who will listen, and some we tell quietly to only the people we trust the most. Either way, those stories have power. I think our stories are almost the most powerful thing we have. And, from my years of being a therapist, I've observed that the story that impacts us the most is the one we tell ourselves about ourselves.
So, what are your stories? How do you tell them, and to whom? With pride? Chagrin? Shame? What if every story that ever jammed its way inside your heart held treasure? Even the messy ones. Even the ones you've never dared to tell anyone, but that just won't let you be.
Especially those stories. Those stories have treasure, I'm telling you! When you listen to them with a heart of compassion for yourself, the world opens up for you. I can't explain it. But, I've seen it happen enough times to absolutely trust it.
Here's what stories need: They need to be told fully- but in a very particular kind of way. Have you ever blurted out a story that mattered a whole bunch to you, to someone who wasn't really listening? Maybe they had a story of their own to "one up" you with as soon as you stopped talking. Maybe they just sort of shrugged and turned away. And how did that feel? Awful, right?
No, stories need to be told to someone who is listening fully. You want a listener who is willing to drop everything and really be with the story that is on your heart to tell. Heart stories need sacred listening. More than that, they need response.
Would you like to unearth the treasures inside your stories? I can help you do it, if you want to. Below you will see three doors to choose from. Which one is right for you? Well, it depends where you are on your journey. It depends how much support you'd like to receive.
No matter which one you choose, you'll get tools from my heart to yours that you can use right away to start unearthing that treasure in your stories, discovering the sweetness hidden there, and using what you find for good.